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For now, just accept this. These strange and suspicious feelings will eventually dissipate, as I slowly figure out that she is not intentionally out to get me. This week is moving way too fast, and I feel like I'm not seeing anything for what it is. That's not like me. I try to hold myself in high regard when it comes to calling bluffs, but everything feels unreal today. There's no differentiating; there's no calling anything. I've been sitting in chairs at school all day, but I feel like I need to look to make sure it's there. I don't know what's behind me and I keep pausing to check for, oh, I don't know, bugs? monsters? my mother asking where I want to go to dinner? I can't figure out what's really going on.

I am living a half life, but not even that. a third life. My inability to be honest with my mother clashes with a pure desire to hold her in my arms and feel her release everything that keeps her so on edge. On top of all of that is the fear and the knowledge of all the things we have in common. I have a selfishness in me that I know is unfair and a pride in me that I am trying to harness as something positive.

Why don't I want to be here? I don't want to see what I could become. It's simple, but it's also dangerous. And I just know, like every other 17 year old girl with a mother, that I can't wait to be gone.